So I have been finally fixing up SamanthaFarbman.com (it will be a slow road to completion on that one..) Because PeakGraphic, which has been my freelance website, will soon be taken over by my new web template company.
I still wanted to have a place to show my custom graphics, websites, and most importantly for me, my journals. I started fixing up my site on the Travel section. Looking over my journals and travels from the past 7 or so years brought back a lot of smiles. But in reading them, I also realized how different I have been in various stages. In some of the journals, I really talk about my feelings, and where I am in life. In others, I just list my goings on.
Lately I have been feeling spiritually dead. I have been laboring away starting this company - which isn't really that fun. Also, some aspects of Salt Lake City living have been really hard for me. I don't have a community of like minded friends. I really find myself disinterested in the small town gossip and goings on. There is a real lack of culture here, and worldly awareness.
I am so far away from the person I once was - the person who desired nothing, and could sleep in the back of a neon alone for months. Now I have a house, and I want furniture. And of course, I find myself having expensive tastes (which I rarely ever indulge). I want to go back the the spiritual person I used to be. The person who didn't care that they were driving a beat up krapwagon. I want to feel at peace whenever I see the sun setting on the mountains. I want to have the perspective to let the little things go.
I miss all the homes I have ever had. Chicago, Boston, Israel, Seattle. I wonder if I will ever find a city to live in that satisfies all the annoying complexities of my personality. I want to spend more and more time in Europe, learning languages and being immersed in culture.
I want to stop being such a hermit, which means I want to find things around SLC that I feel are worthy of leaving the house for. I want to feel fulfilled at the end of the day. I miss college a lot, where I was always around brilliance and creativity. I would never wish the sleepless nights on anyone, but it was a really great time in my life - when my creativity wasn't weighed down by the practical demands of the 'real world'. I can't even imagine being able to think or perform on the level I did in college again. It was truly a unique time in my life.
I miss my roadtrip around the USA. It was a time in which I was so happy just being free. I didn't care about things, or money, or looking presentable. While I enjoy being able to afford updated clothing - I miss not desiring any.
I have really been so fortunate, and led such an enchanted life. The downfall is, it makes everyday life feel so dull.
My journals - http://samanthafarbman.com/journals.html
